Getting to Know Yourself Through Dating

We all know the feeling of how hard it is to try to find a nice pair of jeans that’s well-fitting and accentuates your body in a way that makes you want to slip into them every single day. Yeah, well, that’s precisely how hard it is find a boyfriend in the 21st century. For six months, I’ve been apporaching dates with this “one size fits all” mindset. I’ve been thinking that some guy I met might be the one just because he’s “my type” or handsome. I end up getting so butt-hurt in the end when I realize the reason why I liked him so much was because I was spending so much time romanticizing him rather than getting to know him. And, when the romanticization is over, the hardest thing to digest is seeing a person for who they really are. I realize, “he’s just some random man.”Though, some of the best dating advice I’ve ever received in life was to “date different people” and to “do it often”.

Some might consider it kind of “whorish” to wander NYC streets looking for a man. I say- there’s a lot of dignity in it, especially if you’re meeting up with people in-person instead of being confined to dating apps. I mean, how could you ever expect to meet your partner if you’re not putting yourself out there? Yes, some people are lucky where their significant other tends to fall right into their lap, but I’m not one of those people. I often have to search long and hard to find someone who complements me and my personality type. Unfortunately, I’m not easily impressed. Some might say I have high standards, but I just think I’ve lived and dated enough to know what I like and what I don’t like, and I have no problem communicating that.

And see, that’s the great thing about dating different people. It gives you the opportunity to learn more about yourself. In dating, I’ve learned how much I appreciate and value a partner with emotional intelligence; I physically cannot be attracted to you if you lack the ability to express what you’re thinking or how you feel. It’s not your fault that you have a hard time doing it, but at 23 years old, I’ve learned it’s no longer my responsibility to teach someone how to open up. I’ve also learned that I hate sexting. I don’t want to know what you want to do to me over text (that’s a huge ick for me, personally), but there are some people who enjoy that type of back-and-forth banter. I also value compromise and want a partner who will look at me and say, “How can we make this work?” I hold this self-knowledge from putting myself out there to experience the best and the worst.

Also, dating in this day and age does not have to be serious and overwhelming. It should be informed and honest, but not intimidating. I always like for my first dates to be chill and lighthearted. Let’s grab a drink and have a conversation about our personal hobbies and interests or where we’ve traveled. We can even go to Central Park and hold hands and listen to music and vibe or throw axes and break stuff at those crazy rage rooms; maybe we both have pent-up aggression that we need to release. I just feel like in-person dating became a dying art partially due to COVID and also because of social media. But I want us to move forward and learn to come out of our comfort zones. Learn to just make plans, say “yes,” and be carefree. Learn to be optimistic about the unknown and be open to new and different people having the potential to be great in our lives in some form. Learn to “see where things go”; maybe you’ll make a great friend if being lovers isn’t in the cards. And just maybe that first date at a “break bar” will be the story you share at your wedding in front of all your wedding guests; who knows.

In a world where dating can feel like searching for the perfect pair of jeans, it’s essential to remain open-minded and adventurous. Embracing the journey, with its twists and turns, offers the potential for unexpected connections and unforgettable experiences, reminding us that the pursuit of love is as much about finding someone to share our lives with as it is about self-discovery.